Things I Left in 2018

If you read my New Year's Not-Resolutions post, you know that one of my big goals for 2019 is to do more things that "fill my cup."

My metaphorical cup is a cup of coffee, obvs.

In plain English, this means doing more things that make me feel fulfilled. Things like skydiving and reading and rock climbing and traveling, for example.

Something just as important as filling my cup is minimizing the "drains on my cup." This is different from "pouring from my cup," AKA giving (which I want to do more of). Things that drain my cup are my stressors, which empty my cup before I have a chance to pour from it.

In order for me to let in all the good stuff that 2019 has in store for me, I need to let go of some ish that has held me back in previous years.

So without further ado, here is a list of things that I'm leaving in 2018:

1. Beating myself up over things I can't change. I'm not the most socially adept individual, and I'm often haunted by things that I say or do that I realize were awkward/uncomfortable/wrong. They replay in my brain, a sort of low-lights reel of my real (and imagined) faux pas. Bigger things also haunt me, like times that I've hurt people (whether I meant to or not) and bad decisions that I've made, knowing even as I made them that I would regret it. Memories of these moments swirl around in my brain even years after the fact, and they'll consume me if I let them. I can't go back in time and change what I said or did. And even if I could, I wouldn't. Those moments helped shape me into who I am today. But I'm done being held hostage by them. When these thoughts begin to invade, I've begun taking a deep inhale and letting the thoughts sit for just a moment, and then as I exhale, I consciously think (or say aloud) one of two things. For the little things, it's "Let that shit go." And for the big ones: "I forgive me." And then I move on.  

2. Making excuses for myself. Self-love is so so important. I have to take care of me before I can take care of anybody else. Sometimes self-love for me is realizing that I'm so completely burned out by my workday that I just need to go home and relax with some Doritos and a book. Other times my self-love looks more like tough love, because yes, I'm tired at the end of my long hard school day, but this is the kind of tired that is best remedied by a good solid sweat sesh, so I'm going to make myself go to the gym anyway. I'm holding myself accountable for doing what I truly need to do, and a huge part of that is not letting myself make excuses to get out of it. I've realized that no one else is going to call me out on my bullshit; it's up to me to do that.  

3. Defeatist mentality. This world is an effed up place with a capital F. (I think we can all agree on that.) But when I let myself dwell on that reality, I get overwhelmed by a crippling feeling of "What's the point in trying? I can't make a difference with all that's wrong in the world." That's bullshit, and I'm calling myself on it. The small amount of difference that I am able to make will compound with all of the small differences that other people are making and create a big difference. I have to consciously try to see the positivity and the hope that exist in this world alongside and in spite of all the shit. 

4. People who don't value/respect me. People who don't respect me and my worth make me question my own value and doubt myself. Ain't nobody got time for that.

If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

5. People who bring out the worst in me. (This kind of goes with #4.) I'm on a quest to become a better version of myself, and being around certain people makes it too easy to slip into old habits (or new bad habits). It's not necessarily their fault, but--hard as it may be--I need to say goodbye to those people in order to continue growing. I need to surround myself with people who want to see me become my best self, and who encourage me to do so. 

None of this comes easily, but it's especially hard for me to cut ties with the people that I mentioned in #4 and #5 because most of the time, they are people whom I at one time wanted in my life; they have been important to me. Many of the people who are no longer "good for me" were once good friends, and since I'm not very good at making friends to begin with, I think that I probably held on to some of those people longer than I should have out of fear of being lonely.

But ya know what? It's time. I've got to make space for all the awesome people coming to me in 2019. (Including Jess 2.0!)

To each and every one of the people I'm saying goodbye to: thank you for coming into my life, and for the part you have played in making me the person who I am today. I wish you all the best--I truly mean that. If I see ya around, I'll still have a smile for ya. 😉

And hey, a sincere and heartfelt thank you to those of you in my life who do inspire and encourage me to be a better version of myself. You know who you are. (Or I'll tell ya soon enough. 😘)

I'm a work in progress...sometimes I find the things that I said "good riddance" to at the end of 2018 trying to creep into 2019. So I just keep reminding myself...

Let that shit go. 

#mantra2019

($1.25 in the swear jar, if you're keeping track at home.)